by Thom Bierdz
Publisher: Thom Bierdz Inc.
Publication Date (November 2018)
ASIN: B07HTRGMZC
398 pages of story
Let me start off by saying that I don't read non-fiction. I get enough reality in my life that I don't want to read about it in my books (I think I read enough non-fiction in 12 years of schooling and 8 more years of college). On top of that, I don't read biographies or autobiographies because I tend to see them (particularly autobiographies) as nothing more than publicity for the celebrity who is writing it or who it is written about. The books never truly delve into the subject's psyche or hidden/secret thoughts, feelings, dreams, wishes, and desires. They are normally superficial and give only what the subject wishes people to know. So, when a friend suggested this book to me, I was hesitant. Yet, the idea that a soap star (and I'll unashamedly admit I have loved my soap operas through the years - starting with General Hospital, then Dark Shadows, All My Children, One Life to Life, Santa Barbara, Passions, and even Loving when it was first on the air) was going to write about his so-called scandalous "sexual liberations" - well, I was intrigued.
So, I did some searching online to find out exactly what this book was about. WHOA! The descriptions I found, not just about the book, but about Bierdz and his life and what he has gone through - well, it was enough to convince me to buy the book. And while I have a shelf of more than 70 books that I still need to read at this point, Young, Gay & Restless moved up to the top of the stack. There were certain elements that I was curious about, as some of the content opened up some questions and thoughts about my own life...
WARNING!! This book contains graphic and honest descriptions of Thom Bierdz' search for sexual identity, independence, and validation through the years, and it is explicit. While my discussion and review below will not be anywhere near as explicit, in order to give an honest and thorough review, there may be some discussion on topics that may make people feel uncomfortable (even though it shouldn't, as you'll see in part of my review.....)
There are so many words that could be used to describe this book. Honest. Surprising. Open. Revealing. Humorous. Heartbreaking. Shocking. Explicit. Brave. Real. Blunt. Touching. And I could go on with just about every adjective in the dictionary. This book is not at all what I expected, and way more than I could have possibly anticipated. I expected, based on descriptions I had read, that Bierdz would talk about his sex life in this book - but this is way, WAY more than that.
This book is a memoir. Bierdz looks back at his life, from his time as a child, the separation of his parents, his desire to become a famous actor, his jaunt to Hollywood to pursue his dreams, his acting gigs that lead to a role on Young and the Restless, the numerous jobs he took to survive for the years after he left the show until he returned, his search for love and acceptance, his art, and his ultimate move to Arrowhead for solitude and self-contentment.
This book is also a story of loss and tragedy. The death of his mother at the hands of his own brother. The search for way to heal and forgive his brother. The suicide of his other brother. The friends and lovers who have come and gone.
But above all of that, this book is about exactly what it says on the front cover - sexual liberation. Bierdz grew up being taught that sex was naughty, that his penis was private and naughty, and basically taught to repress those feelings of sexual desires for others. Growing up in church, becoming a Christian at an early age, I was taught the same. And for a gay man, that creates such confusion, which Bierdz addresses in his opening chapters. As a child, pre-teen, and even early teen, I didn't necessarily realize that my attraction for boys was what was called "gay." But when I became old enough to realize what it meant, I had already been taught and indoctrinated with the belief that gay + sex = evil/bad/wrong. So reading this book where another man not only shares his experiences, but also his insecurities, his fears, his thoughts, his feelings, his explorations, his discoveries, and his sexual encounters with absolutely no holding back - particularly when that man is a Hollywood star (and let's face it - most of us have this unspoken belief that Hollywood stars don't really have dirty thoughts or look at others with sexual desires or get instant erections at the most inopportune times because we are dreaming about someone) - well, it opened my mind to the fact that maybe those feelings and thoughts and desires I had growing up aren't necessarily so uncommon or odd or perverse as I first thought. I mean, really? If a Hollywood star had these same thoughts and feelings, how many others out there have had them and are just to afraid to admit it?
Let's take masturbation, for instance. Unless the term is being used in a joke, it is something that men (particularly straight men) are very, VERY uncomfortable talking about, and almost no one will ever admit they do it. Despite the fact that nearly all men do it, no one wants to admit to it. Why? Because society has deemed it as "unmentionable." As something that is not normal or good. Why? What is inherently bad about it? I'm not saying it should be done out in public, but why are people so afraid to mention it, let alone talk about it? Bierdz has no problem talking about it. He not only admits to it, but he talks about how often and even how he has done it at times. Did I find it uncomfortable reading about it? No. Did I find it a sexual turn on reading about it? Honestly, no. Because it was not written to be a turn on. It was written as an admission, as a release (so to speak) to everyone that it is natural and not something to be feared, hated, or frowned upon.
And what about the penis? The male genitalia? That is something that has been taboo, more so in America that anywhere else, for so long. We see ads with scantily clad women constantly. We see women baring their breasts and more in movies all the time. Breasts are even acceptable in PG rated movies any more. But a man's penis? No way! As a society we are uncomfortable with it. Why? Because we are taught from an early age (as Bierdz was, as I was, and as I am sure many of you were) that the penis is a naughty thing and should be hidden away. But why? It is just another part of the body - skin and tissue and blood vessels. Bierdz does not shy away from talking about this in his book. From his own manhood to the joys (and not so much joys) he has experienced through the years with other men's manhoods (menhood? LOL). Again, none of his discussions about this made me feel uncomfortable or weird; rather, it actually made me feel relaxed and normal about it, and about my own body for the first time in God knows how long. I am certainly not the Adonis that Bierdz is - a long way from that, in fact! - but Bierdz, throughout the book, admits numerous times to his own self-consciousness about his body not being what he wanted it to be. We, as fans and viewers of Y&R, see this actor and think, "Man, I wish I had HIS body!" And yet, here he is admitting that he has had issues with his body for years, not liking what it looked like, comparing it to others, and wishing he had their bodies. Fame and popularity? Clearly it doesn't make a man any different than the rest of us!
And one thing I should point out is the style in which the book is written. It is not formal and stiff (again, no pun intended); rather, it is very conversational in tone and format. It is not linear, jumping back and forth between the past and present, depending on the particular topic being discussed. It sometimes hops off on rabbit trails while talking about one subject, then jumping over to another that is not necessarily related, but is of importance to the general topic. Quite honestly, the book read like a discussion. I could almost feel myself sitting with Bierdz, listening as he talked about these different aspects of his life, his sexual adventures, his time spent "in the closet," his fear of being outed and losing his career in Hollywood, his freedom and release in Arrowhead, CA, his friends and neighbors, his family, his art, his dogs. It makes the book easy to read and definitely brings emotions to the surface as you listen to his story. (When I read the part of the book where Bierdz talks about his mother's death, and how he prayed for so long to hear his mother again, to have her speak to him, to reach out to him - it brought up my own sense of loss at my mother's passing - she died in December 2017 - and how over the past year, I have longed to see her, to hear her, to hug her, to have her reach out to me. I have no problem admitting that I cried as I read those pages, as I would not wish that type of longing and loss on anyone, and my heart went out to Bierdz having to go through that.)
For me to really go into everything this book has to offer, it would probably take me a month to write. Bierdz offers so much in this tell-all book - and I do mean, tell ALL! There is nothing he holds back (so much so that he admits even his father did not want to read the book), and in so doing - in sharing his life experiences, his dreams, wants, desires, disappointments, losses, regrets, guilt, fear, and everything else - Bierdz managed to make this reader feel normal. After reading this book, I realized that my own desires, dreams, fears, regrets, guilt, and everything else are not any less "normal" than anyone else's. They may not be the same, they may not necessarily agree with or compare with others, but that doesn't make then any less real, nor does it make them any less valid or any less important. What it makes them is mine. Just like yours are yours, Bierds' are his, and everyone else's is theirs. None of them should make us ashamed, nor should we let anyone make us ashamed of them. Own them, live them, embrace them - they are what makes us who we are.
And for that, Thom Bierdz, thank you. Straight or gay, I would highly recommend this book to just about anyone, as I think it speaks volumes to who we are as individuals, as humans, as men, as gay men, as a society. Some may disagree with my assessments and thoughts on the book, and you know what? That's okay - I honestly believe that different readers will likely get different things from reading this book - which, to me, proves just what a success this book truly is.
RATING: 10 Phillip Chancellor III coming out stories out of 10 for daring to go where no one has gone before and to share the unedited, unabashed, blunt truth of a celebrity's life, bared naked for all to see (literally!).
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