Anonymous True Accounts Told to Thom Bierdz (How Men Really Feel About Being Sexually Assaulted)

I have previously read actor Thom Bierdz' other two books - Forgiving Troy and Young, Gay & Restless - and found them to be raw, moving, and very personal in nature. The first was a journey of facing the most devastating news a person could face and finding a way to overcome it and forgive his own brother, while the second was a very open and revealing (in so many ways!) look back at the author's own life.  This third book, however, is something completely different, as it is not about Thom; rather, this book is an open and honest revelation about something most people don't ever consider - the sexual assault of men.

Anonymous True Accounts Told to Thom Bierdz: how men really feel about being sexually assaulted is not the type of book I would ever pick up and read.  It is not a topic I particularly want to think about, and not being a fan of non-fiction, it is not a book I would normally be interested in reading.  But, having read Thom's other two books, I purchased this one directly from Thom (he was even kind enough to sign it!) and figured I would face the difficult task of seeing how men truly feel about being sexually assaulted.  I can honestly say that I was not prepared for most of what I read!

One does not often think about men being sexually assaulted.  Even though reports of young boys being sexually assaulted are in the news, somehow, there is this misguided belief that men "cannot" be sexually assaulted, and if they are, it does not have the same impact that it does on women when they are assaulted.  Further, there is a misconception that slapping a woman on the behind is assault, while taking the same action on a man is not.  The simple truth is - when you force some kind of physical attention on another human being, whether female or male, without that person's consent, it is assault.  Period.  There are not extenuating circumstances, there are not excuses, and there are certainly no differences.  Assault is assault.  And, as this book shows, not everyone's reaction to assault is the same.  Just as people are different, so are their reactions.

I was utterly surprised to find that some of these anonymous accounts showed how some men found that what would constitute assault in many people's eyes was actually enjoyable and basically became the groundwork for what they enjoyed sexually and what they expected in a relationship.  In fact, one account found a man who had a incestuous relationship with his own father for decades and did not regret one moment of it!  That was probably the most difficult account of all to read, as incest is not something that is natural, and the fact that this individual found it to be satisfying and an important part of his life made me feel sorry that the father had taken away his son's innocence and destroyed his capability to understand right from wrong.  Thom made it clear in his book that he compiled these stories not for the purpose of judging anyone, but to show how abuse affects different people in different ways.  But it was evident from some of the questions Thom asked of this individual that even Thom had a difficult time understanding how this abuse had affected this now grown man.

The accounts within the book varied from men who recalled being abused as children by family members, by friends, by employers, by church members, and others to adult men who found themselves being drugged and taken advantage of and then left to be found unconscious in a parking lot or back room.  As I read one story after another my heart broke when I realized just how many men out there have suffered abuse and how it has affected so many lives (not just of them men themselves, but also the people around them).  While some men have shown the ability to overcome and move beyond the abuse to find healthy relationships and live normal lives, others have lived with the stigma of what was done to them and have been unable to fully deal with the trauma imposed on them by vicious, uncaring people (many of whom have gone unpunished for what they did!).  My heart broke and at times, I had tears in my eyes, as I read story after story of men revealing some of the most horrific moments of their lives - in a lot of cases, being told for the first time, as how many people would really believe that a "man" was sexually assaulted?

While difficult to read, I must praise Thom for providing men with an opportunity to share these stories, since a lot of them have been holding this in, keeping it secret for years, even decades, for fear of what others would say if they told the story of what happened.  Thom provided these men with a safe space to share their stories anonymously, to open up a discussion on how society views assault on men as compared to assault on women, and to hopefully allow these men to find a way to heal from their ordeal (because sometimes just talking about it is the first step of the healing process).  I will warn you, this is not easy reading, and in some places, it can be quite explicit - but it will definitely give you a much better perspective on just what kind of affect a sexual assault can have on a man, and that sexual assaults are just as real for men as they are for women!

RATING:  9 anonymous accounts out of 10 for daring to share honest, raw, and sometimes shocking stories of men who were shamed and forever changed by the assaults forced upon them.

Forgiving Troy - a true story of murder, mental illness, and recovery

I previously read Thom Bierdz' memoir, Young, Gay & Restless, a very revealing tell-all about the soap opera star's life, his coming to terms with being gay, and his decision to be himself regardless of what others said or thought. That book spoke to me in so many ways, and I think I was most surprised to find that someone I thought of as a huge Hollywood star had the same insecurities as me, faced many of the same problems as me, and had so many of the same thoughts and feelings as me. It opened my eyes to the reality that television and movie stars really are no so different from us "common folk" after all. So, after reading the book, I contacted Thom directly on Facebook to share my thoughts on the book. I found him to be a very open, personable man, and as a result, I bought his other two books (as well as one of his art books) to learn more about this artist/actor/author.

Forgiving Troy tells an entirely different side of Thom's life.  Back in 1989, just after Thom had left his role as Phillip Chancellor III on the daytime drama, The Young & The Restless, he received the news that his mother had been killed - by his own younger brother, Troy. Now, being completely honest, I don't know how I could cope with that. My own mother passed away a little over two years ago now (heart attack and other health issues), and I am still coming to terms with that and learning how to process it. But to learn that your mother was murdered by a member of your own family? I can't even fathom that kind of trauma. Yet, Thom not only dealth with it - but he faced it in the most amazing way possible!

In this book, Thom shares the story of Troy's life - from his birth, all the way up to the present (2009, which I'm assuming is when the book was first published). He shares the family issues with their parents' separation and divorce; he shares the ongoing struggles of Troy's instability; and he shares his own struggles with what he did, didn't do, could have done, should have done, and would have done differently, and how those could have affected the outcome.  If I had to describe this book with only one word, that word would be:

Courageous.

I cannot think of one other person that I have ever known (outside of Christ, Himself) who could not only face a tragedy such as this in the matter that Thom did, but to open himself up and share it with the entire world - that bloody well takes more courage than anyone I know of could possibly possess. It took courage for Thom to go see his brother in prison after he was convicted and sentenced.  It took courage for Thom to sit with his brother and talk to him not just once - but again and again, as he tried to make sense of it. It took courage for Thom to see that his mother was now free of all of the pain and suffering.  It took courage for Thom to face his siblings and tell them how he felt about what Troy did.  It took courage to create a self-made film with dolls and puppets to retell his mother's story, despite the fact his siblings did not want him to do it.  It took courage for Thom to face his father and develop a relationship once again with a man who had been so distant for all of those years.  It took courage for Thom to see his older brother gone, having committed suicide.  It took courage for Thom to stand his ground and stay faithful to visiting Troy on a regular basis, getting him the psychiatric and medicinal help he needed in prison. It took courage to remain persistent until the day when his father went with him to visit Troy ... until the day his sister went with him to visit Troy.

I have no doubt, whatsoever, that Phyllis Bierdz is looking down on her son, her smile wide as she beams with pride for the amazingly courageous and loving man that she brought into this world, a young man who follows in her footsteps and is now looking after the troubled son that she cared for herself for so many years up until she left this mortal plane.

Forgiving Troy will make you cry, there is no doubt about it.  It will make you examine your own family relationships.  It sure did mine.  I mean, there is one statement in the book, made by one of Thom's ex-boyfriends, that I know now is so true - "The mother is the glue that holds the family together."  It was true of Thom's family, and it sure as heck was true of my family.  Every Easter, every Christmas - birthdays, anniversaries - it was always my mother that got the family together.  Now that she is gone - my father has moved away to Kentucky; we never hear from my oldest brother; and my other brother and I, who live less than 50 miles apart, are lucky to see each other once a year at Christmas.  That one sentence, near the beginning of the book, hit me so deeply, that I realized this was going to be a difficult book to read.  And it was. But, it was so well worth the read.

Thom shares his pain, his loss, his anger, his confusion, his doubt, his disbelief - but most of all, he shares his love.  He opens up his heart, he bares his soul, and so few people in the world rarely, if ever, do that - and yet, Thom does it here, willingly, for the whole world to see. And his story - Troy's story - it's one that needs to be read.  To read Thom's growth over the years; to read how he overcame his own issues, his own self-doubts, and how he came to terms with his brother and what happened - it will teach you the one concept that means more than anything else in the world.  You must learn to forgive.

Matthew 6:14-15 - For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: but if you forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Ephesians 4;32 - And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, ven as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

If Thom's story does not represent the ultimate in love and forgiveness - an example of Christ's own love and forgiveness for the world that spurns and denies him - I don't know what does.  It's so easy to love and forgive our friends, those people who stand by us and seek out our forgiveness. But how difficult is it to forgive someone who doesn't ask for your forgiveness? Someone who has threatened to kill you?  Forgiving Troy will show you the answer.

RATING:  10 games of UNO out of 10 for sharing from the heart and soul a story of love, courage, and forgiveness - - and hope!

Young, Gay & Restless - the Scandalous On-Screen & Off-Screen Sexual Liberations of Soap Star Thom Bierdz

Young, Gay & Restless
by Thom Bierdz
Publisher: Thom Bierdz Inc.
Publication Date (November 2018)
ASIN: B07HTRGMZC
398 pages of story

Let me start off by saying that I don't read non-fiction. I get enough reality in my life that I don't want to read about it in my books (I think I read enough non-fiction in 12 years of schooling and 8 more years of college). On top of that, I don't read biographies or autobiographies because I tend to see them (particularly autobiographies) as nothing more than publicity for the celebrity who is writing it or who it is written about. The books never truly delve into the subject's psyche or hidden/secret thoughts, feelings, dreams, wishes, and desires. They are normally superficial and give only what the subject wishes people to know. So, when a friend suggested this book to me, I was hesitant. Yet, the idea that a soap star (and I'll unashamedly admit I have loved my soap operas through the years - starting with General Hospital, then Dark Shadows, All My Children, One Life to Life, Santa Barbara, Passions, and even Loving when it was first on the air) was going to write about his so-called scandalous "sexual liberations" - well, I was intrigued.

So, I did some searching online to find out exactly what this book was about. WHOA! The descriptions I found, not just about the book, but about Bierdz and his life and what he has gone through - well, it was enough to convince me to buy the book. And while I have a shelf of more than 70 books that I still need to read at this point, Young, Gay & Restless moved up to the top of the stack. There were certain elements that I was curious about, as some of the content opened up some questions and thoughts about my own life...

WARNING!!  This book contains graphic and honest descriptions of Thom Bierdz' search for sexual identity, independence, and validation through the years, and it is explicit.  While my discussion and review below will not be anywhere near as explicit, in order to give an honest and thorough review, there may be some discussion on topics that may make people feel uncomfortable (even though it shouldn't, as you'll see in part of my review.....)

There are so many words that could be used to describe this book. Honest. Surprising. Open. Revealing. Humorous. Heartbreaking. Shocking. Explicit. Brave. Real. Blunt. Touching. And I could go on with just about every adjective in the dictionary. This book is not at all what I expected, and way more than I could have possibly anticipated.  I expected, based on descriptions I had read, that Bierdz would talk about his sex life in this book - but this is way, WAY more than that.

This book is a memoir. Bierdz looks back at his life, from his time as a child, the separation of his parents, his desire to become a famous actor, his jaunt to Hollywood to pursue his dreams, his acting gigs that lead to a role on Young and the Restless, the numerous jobs he took to survive for the years after he left the show until he returned, his search for love and acceptance, his art, and his ultimate move to Arrowhead for solitude and self-contentment.

This book is also a story of loss and tragedy.  The death of his mother at the hands of his own brother.  The search for way to heal and forgive his brother.  The suicide of his other brother.  The friends and lovers who have come and gone.

But above all of that, this book is about exactly what it says on the front cover - sexual liberation.  Bierdz grew up being taught that sex was naughty, that his penis was private and naughty, and basically taught to repress those feelings of sexual desires for others.  Growing up in church, becoming a Christian at an early age, I was taught the same.  And for a gay man, that creates such confusion, which Bierdz addresses in his opening chapters.  As a child, pre-teen, and even early teen, I didn't necessarily realize that my attraction for boys was what was called "gay." But when I became old enough to realize what it meant, I had already been taught and indoctrinated with the belief that gay + sex = evil/bad/wrong. So reading this book where another man not only shares his experiences, but also his insecurities, his fears, his thoughts, his feelings, his explorations, his discoveries, and his sexual encounters with absolutely no holding back - particularly when that man is a Hollywood star (and let's face it - most of us have this unspoken belief that Hollywood stars don't really have dirty thoughts or look at others with sexual desires or get instant erections at the most inopportune times because we are dreaming about someone) - well, it opened my mind to the fact that maybe those feelings and thoughts and desires I had growing up aren't necessarily so uncommon or odd or perverse as I first thought. I mean, really? If a Hollywood star had these same thoughts and feelings, how many others out there have had them and are just to afraid to admit it?

Let's take masturbation, for instance.  Unless the term is being used in a joke, it is something that men (particularly straight men) are very, VERY uncomfortable talking about, and almost no one will ever admit they do it.  Despite the fact that nearly all men do it, no one wants to admit to it.  Why?  Because society has deemed it as "unmentionable." As something that is not normal or good.  Why?  What is inherently bad about it?  I'm not saying it should be done out in public, but why are people so afraid to mention it, let alone talk about it?  Bierdz has no problem talking about it.  He not only admits to it, but he talks about how often and even how he has done it at times.  Did I find it uncomfortable reading about it?  No.  Did I find it a sexual turn on reading about it?  Honestly, no.  Because it was not written to be a turn on.  It was written as an admission, as a release (so to speak) to everyone that it is natural and not something to be feared, hated, or frowned upon.

And what about the penis?  The male genitalia?  That is something that has been taboo, more so in America that anywhere else, for so long.  We see ads with scantily clad women constantly.  We see women baring their breasts and more in movies all the time.  Breasts are even acceptable in PG rated movies any more. But a man's penis?  No way!  As a society we are uncomfortable with it.  Why?  Because we are taught from an early age (as Bierdz was, as I was, and as I am sure many of you were) that the penis is a naughty thing and should be hidden away.  But why?  It is just another part of the body - skin and tissue and blood vessels.  Bierdz does not shy away from talking about this in his book.  From his own manhood to the joys (and not so much joys) he has experienced through the years with other men's manhoods (menhood?  LOL).  Again, none of his discussions about this made me feel uncomfortable or weird; rather, it actually made me feel relaxed and normal about it, and about my own body for the first time in God knows how long.  I am certainly not the Adonis that Bierdz is - a long way from that, in fact! - but Bierdz, throughout the book, admits numerous times to his own self-consciousness about his body not being what he wanted it to be.  We, as fans and viewers of Y&R, see this actor and think, "Man, I wish I had HIS body!" And yet, here he is admitting that he has had issues with his body for years, not liking what it looked like, comparing it to others, and wishing he had their bodies.  Fame and popularity?  Clearly it doesn't make a man any different than the rest of us!

And one thing I should point out is the style in which the book is written.  It is not formal and stiff (again, no pun intended); rather, it is very conversational in tone and format.  It is not linear, jumping back and forth between the past and present, depending on the particular topic being discussed. It sometimes hops off on rabbit trails while talking about one subject, then jumping over to another that is not necessarily related, but is of importance to the general topic.  Quite honestly, the book read like a discussion.  I could almost feel myself sitting with Bierdz, listening as he talked about these different aspects of his life, his sexual adventures, his time spent "in the closet," his fear of being outed and losing his career in Hollywood, his freedom and release in Arrowhead, CA, his friends and neighbors, his family, his art, his dogs.  It makes the book easy to read and definitely brings emotions to the surface as you listen to his story.  (When I read the part of the book where Bierdz talks about his mother's death, and how he prayed for so long to hear his mother again, to have her speak to him, to reach out to him - it brought up my own sense of loss at my mother's passing - she died in December 2017 - and how over the past year, I have longed to see her, to hear her, to hug her, to have her reach out to me. I have no problem admitting that I cried as I read those pages, as I would not wish that type of longing and loss on anyone, and my heart went out to Bierdz having to go through that.)

For me to really go into everything this book has to offer, it would probably take me a month to write.  Bierdz offers so much in this tell-all book - and I do mean, tell ALL!  There is nothing he holds back (so much so that he admits even his father did not want to read the book), and in so doing - in sharing his life experiences, his dreams, wants, desires, disappointments, losses, regrets, guilt, fear, and everything else - Bierdz managed to make this reader feel normal.  After reading this book, I realized that my own desires, dreams, fears, regrets, guilt, and everything else are not any less "normal" than anyone else's.  They may not be the same, they may not necessarily agree with or compare with others, but that doesn't make then any less real, nor does it make them any less valid or any less important.  What it makes them is mine.  Just like yours are yours, Bierds' are his, and everyone else's is theirs.  None of them should make us ashamed, nor should we let anyone make us ashamed of them.  Own them, live them, embrace them - they are what makes us who we are.

And for that, Thom Bierdz, thank you.  Straight or gay, I would highly recommend this book to just about anyone, as I think it speaks volumes to who we are as individuals, as humans, as men, as gay men, as a society.  Some may disagree with my assessments and thoughts on the book, and you know what?  That's okay - I honestly believe that different readers will likely get different things from reading this book - which, to me, proves just what a success this book truly is.

RATING:  10 Phillip Chancellor III coming out stories out of 10 for daring to go where no one has gone before and to share the unedited, unabashed, blunt truth of a celebrity's life, bared naked for all to see (literally!).