Velda Gets Knotty - a Velda, Girl Detective mystery novel

Velda Bellinghausen is a very unique character - or maybe not so unique, depending on your point of view.  She's a former follies' girl turned private detective - she's a snarky woman trying to make it in a man's world - she's a noir private eye with the sensibilities of a modern woman - she's a tall, lean, not overly endowed beauty who seems to fall into situations that leave her with little to no clothing - and she's got a great sense of humor!  Velda, Girl Detective is a parody of the noir murder mystery fiction that long ago captured the eyes of many a young male, with their covers showcasing scantily clad women - only in this instance, Velda is the detective, and she's the one solving the crimes (often sans clothing!).

Velda Gets Knotty (and yes, the pun IS intended) is the first prose novel I've read of this character.  I have all three of her graphic novels, which were a real hoot, since they were modeled after the comics of those days long gone, even going so far as to throw in faux ad pages, featuring non-existent items that made fun of all those ads we used to see in comics back then.  They had some really fun stories in them, but the stories were very short and fast paced (after all, telling three or four, or even five, stories in one graphic novel, one must keep it short, sweet, and to the point).  With this novel, author Ron Miller has the opportunity to really flesh out (yes, that pun is intended, too!) the character, the supporting cast, and lead the reader on a few red herrings before finally revealing the killer.

I give Miller credit for crafting a murder mystery that is not easily solved.  A woman turns up badly beaten in an alley, her clothes ripped off, the letter "I" carved into her body, and her hand grasping a string with three knots tied into it.  Despite being taken to the hospital, the woman dies a few days later.  Velda wonders if the person who beat her up came back to finish the job, when another body turns up - with the same letter carved into her body and holding another string with the knots in it (hence, the title to the book).  The only connection Velda can find is a Women's Club.  But could the case be over when the police find the women's purses in the flower box of Velda's downstairs neighbor?  If you said "no," then you'd be right!  In fact, the mystery is far from over.

Miller gives the readers some interesting suspects, any of whom could have committed the murders.  First, there is Harry Tweedy, Velda's downstairs neighbor.  Sure, he claims to be innocent. Sure, he hires Velda to prove he's not guilty.  But what if he is guilty, and his hiring of Velda is nothing more than a ploy to throw everyone off the track?  Second, there is Tryphena Thistlethwayte (yeah, you gotta love those names!), the elderly woman who was rejected membership in the Women's Club.  She may appear elderly and weak, but looks can always be deceiving.  Third, there is Delilah Spoonbill, who was one of the victims - yet, she survived by some miracle.  But was it really a miracle?  Or was it purposefully planned to keep everyone from suspecting her?  Fourth, there's Doctor Patella.  This Boris Karloff knock-off just so happens to fit the description an eyewitness gave to a man who was seen running out of the alley where the first victim was found.  And wasn't it odd that the first victim died not long after he visited her at the hospital (where he insisted he must see her alone)?  

All of the clues keep leading back to the Women's Club, and Velda is certain that the serial killer is somehow connected to the rejection of Thistlethwayte for membership - she just can't seem to find the final piece to complete the puzzle.  And just what does that letter "I" mean and how do the knotted strings fit into it?  These are some really great questions, and when Velda does put everything together, it makes for quite an exciting conclusion (one where Velda, needless to say, finds herself very scantily clad!).  Even though this is a parody of sorts, the mystery is actually very well plotted and wonderfully written.

After reading this one, I definitely want to track down and get the other books Miller has written - if they are anything like this, they will be a blast to read!

RATING:  9 cold cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer out of 10 for a faux look back at the noir crime fiction of yester-year as told today!

The Complete Velda, Girl Detective (True Crime Comics) - Volume 3

Well, it is finally time to sit down and take one last trip into the wacky world of Velda Bellinghausen, that pulp-favorite female P.I. from back in the day ... oh, wait, no.  That's not right.  Velda, Girl Detective never existed back in the day!  She's simply the creation of Ron Miller (with an assist from Walter Mucilage) as a way to honor, as well as parody, the old pulp-style comics and detective stories from yester-year.  And they do such an amazingly great job at it, one might pick this up and very well think it is reprinting stories from back in the '50s.  Until you actually start reading the stories...and looking at the ads... and then you realize this is all one big hoax meant to thrill and titillate comic readers with some fun (and I do mean FUN) stories about a girl detective who will do just about ANYTHING to solve a crime!

 

Velda, Girl Detective Volume 3 finishes up this collection of "could-have-been" comics, featuring issues 6, 7, and 8 of  the series that never was.  And it even goes so far as to play up on the Seduction of the Innocent fiasco back in the '50s when Dr. Frederick Wertham set about to expose the atrocities of comic books back in the day in the hopes of making them more wholesome for children to read, giving a bit of exposition about the final issue of this faux series, claiming the final issue (no. 8) was cancelled when proof sheets of the initial story for that issue were "leaked to the press."  Of course, the issue is presented here, and when you get a gander at that opening (and only!) story for that issue, you'll probably think that Wertham would have had a heart attack had this been a real comic back in the day!  I'm not going to spoil it by telling you what it is, but I will say it is a hilarious little jaunt into the countryside where Velda is able to enjoy nature while solving a crime!

We are treated to more ridiculously fun stories in this final collection, from Velda helping her Uncle Einar uncover a counterfeiter (using a pitchfork as a slingshot while completely naked - you've gotta see it to believe it!) to fighting a crooked D.A. for the life of an innocent man (where health food and yoga really do save the day!) to foiling the plans of Russian spies (a day at the beach, indeed!) to finding the culprit who has been stealing jewels and other sundry items from the guests at a nudist camp (and yes, poor Velda must do what she has to in order to blend in!), along with a few other silly tales.  As usual, the stories are short, over-the-top, and completely crazy - but they are the perfect parody of the pulp tales from decades long gone.

And just to perpetuate the idea that these were real comics back in the day, we get a Velda crossword puzzle, Velda paper dolls with outfits and accessories, along with a several page ad for a Velda board game, right along with faux ads for novelty toys, magic gimmicks, toy soldiers (of the Crimean War!), weight gain, toy guns, fun books for boys and girls, and so much more!  Miller provides introductions to each "issue," sharing with readers some background on the issue, as well as photos of the "real" Velda Bellinghausen on which the comic is supposed to be based.  And, as with the prior collections, included are the back-up stories of "Neolithica, Girl of the Pleistocene" and "Hawkshaw the Hawk, the World's Greatest Bird Detective."  These are definitely presented more for humor than anything else, and as a bonus, Miller "reprints" the first and only issue of Neolithica, Girl of the Pleistocene comic that was ever (not!) published. For those who love her short stories in each issue of Velda, then you're bound to love her expended six-page story in her own book!!  (Sigh - if only any of this had actually been real - I would work overtime to go back and try to find the real issues!)

The quip on the back of this collection pretty much describes these books perfectly:  "Velda: Girl Detective is an affectionate parody of the crime comics that proliferated during the 1950s. Inspired by a character in his novel and short stories about a burlesque queen turned private eye.  Ron Miller emulates the style of the most lurid of those classic comics...down to the letter columns and ads."  If you love comics and you love the old pulp stories, and if you like strong female leads and you like good, old-fashioned fun, the Velda, Girl Detective is DEFINITELY a book you need to pick up!  You won't be disappointed!

RATING:  10 raccoon skin hats without the tail out of 10 for keeping comics fun, for poking fun at the past, and for providing the comic world with another strong female character who deserved many, MANY more stories than these!

The Complete Velda, Girl Detective (True Crime Comics) - Volume 2

I must admit, the first volume of Velda, Girl Detective was not at all what I was expecting, but it was so much fun, I was glad to finally get the chance to sit down with Volume 2 and enjoy some more stories of this faux female detective of the 1950s. For those who don't know (and that's probably most!), Velda, Girl Detective is the creation of Ron Miller, with assist from Walter Mucilage, and is a parody of sorts of the pulp comics from back in the 1950s - where female protagonists were fierce, but at the same time, sexy and quite often scantily clad (if they were clad at all!).  Miller and Mucilage present these volumes as if they are collections of the "original" comics from back in the day, even including photographs of the alleged real Velda Bellinghausen, as if she had been a real-life female detective upon whom the comics were based. They are very tongue-in-cheek, and sometimes the advertisements and one or two-page short stories are very often so humorous, they are more fun to read than the Velda stories!

Volume 2 features three issues of Velda's comics - 3, 4, and 5, presented in their alleged entirety, complete with advertisements and short stories of Neolithica, Girl of the Pleistocene and Hawkshaw the Hawk, the World's Greatest Bird Detective. Velda's adventures include a treasure hunt to find stolen coins; a trip to New Jersey as winner of the Miss Methylated Seed Oil contest of 1954, faces the Curse of Mwawebe-Tutu, goes to the circus, goes to Hollywood, goes out west to help her uncle, deals with Murder on a Shoestring, and in the last story, goes so far as to play chicken! There is even a prose one-page "Minute Mystery" that gives the opportunity for the reader to solve the mystery based on the clues in the short tale - but the solution for this one ... well, I'm not going to spoil the fun for anyone - let's just say it is solved in true Velda style!

As with the '50s pulp stories, the art always portrays Velda in the sexiest of poses, and often she is forced to remove her clothes (but the panels are drawn in such a way to hide the pertinent parts). The background comes and goes, with some panels featuring no background whatsoever, while others feature such great detail, you feel drawn into the setting. Velda, with her short, dark bob and her trim figure, stays consistent throughout the stories, and the artist does manage to give her some great expressions (especially when she smirks or she is deep in thought.

I think my favorite story in this collection, though, has to be "Velda Goes West," in which she travel out to New Mexico to help her uncle, who has invested in a ranch out there. It seems that there are a number of unexplained accidents happening on the ranch, and he is losing reservations left and right - to the point where he may be forced to sell the ranch! Sound familiar?  (a la Shadow Ranch, from the Nancy Drew Mystery Stories?) Of course, Velda agrees to help him find the source of these accidents, and find them she does - villainous cretins who want the property to mine for the molybdenum underneath the ranch!  What is molybdenum you ask?  Well, surprisingly, it is not a made up name!  Molybdenum is an actual chemical element (Mo / atomic number 42). It does not occur naturally as a free metal, however; it is only found in various oxidation states in minerals. The free element, a silvery metal with a gray cast, has the sixth-highest melting point of any element and readily forms hard, stable carbides in alloys - used in steel alloys, including high-strength alloys and superalloys. (And if you are wondering, I found that info on the internet!).  So, see! Velda may be a parody and may be crazy to the point of silly sometimes, but it still holds a kernel of reality.

Now for those ads.  Oh, those ads!  From the very first one, an ad for polio prevention, warning people to "Don't Play with Foreigners!" and "Don't Be Sexually Precocious" and "Don't Swim in the Winter" and "Do Keep Your Bunny Clean!" to the ad for Whiz-O, the breakfast of whizzes, which features the young fellows of Camp Beaver - who are watching Swifty race at a track meet - "What sleek hairless thighs!" and "Check out Swifty's tight butt, too!" and "What a swell manly chest!" and "Wish I could get in those shorts!"  Miller and Mucilage poke fun at so many of those oh-so-innocent at the time ads from the '50s and twist them into humorous, irreverent, and sometimes demented parodies!  As I said above, they are just as enjoyable to read as the stories themselves (and make sure to read some of the fine print in those "ads" - trust me, you won't want to miss a thing!).

RATING:  10 elephant-sized hotels out of 10 for fun, exploitative, mocking, detective tales with a bit of actual murder mystery added in to keep the stories interesting!

The Complete Velda, Girl Detective (True Crime Comics) - Volume 1

I initially purchased this graphic novel on the title alone - Velda, Girl Detective. As a fan of Nancy Drew and other female detective series growing up, and as a huge fan of comic books with female leads, I figured there wouldn't be much about this that I wouldn't like.  It even seemed to be a reprint of vintage comics, during a time when detective tales were very noir and pulp in style.

Notice I said the word "seemed."

That is a very important distinction as I discovered when I began reading the first volume of this series and looked up some information about it online. It turns out that "Velda, Girl Detective" is a faux flashback to the noir and pulp detective titles of yester-year. Written and drawn by comic creator Ron Miller, the graphic novel not only features purported re-prints of stories from the 1950s, it also has parodies of comic book ads from the time period, as well as fictional magazine covers and photos to lend authenticity to the idea that this series was a 1950s comic book series based upon the life of a real female detective, Velda Bellinghausen.

This first volume not only collects issues 1 and 2 of the Caliber Comics series, Velda, the Girl Detective, but it also features a supposed look back at the history of Velda, both the "real-life" detective and her fictionalized tales in comics, on the big screen, and on television.  There was clearly a lot of effort put into this hoax, as the informational pages include alleged pictures of Velda on magazine covers of the time, as well as images of newspaper articles about her and her father, images of her working with the comic creators of those days, and other assorted items from "back in the day."

The end result is a graphic novel that is funny, entertaining, and nostalgic.  The stories are simple, short, and sweet - usually told in 11 pages or less. Velma is the daughter of a police officer who discovered the crooked nature of the D.A. - for which, he was killed and set-up to appear as a dirty cop.  Velda was never able to live down that ruined reputation, so she obtained her detective license (through the mail!) and turned to solving crimes herself.  Her first big mystery involved the revelation of D.A. Noorvik's connection to the crime syndicates, which suddenly thrust her into the limelight as a "real" detective.  The stories, while short and done-in-one style, are somewhat reminiscent of Max Collins' Ms. Tree, who stopped at nothing to help the innocent and find justice for them (even if that meant putting the criminals 6-feet under!).  

The stories are told in pre-Code style, with lots of unnecessary sexy poses for the ladies, and plenty of scantily-clad women (with only a few actual shots of full nudity - usually they are tasteful with something covering the actual naughty bits).  The stories in the first issue include "Homicide Hotel," "Butter Safe Than Sorry," "The Phantom of the Follies," and "Velda Does a Favor," while the stories in the second issue are "My First Case!," "Velda vs. The Red Menace," and "The Early Bird," along with the prose tale, "Velda Meets the Strangler."  The actual criminals are obvious from the get-go, and it's not so much about Velda solving the crime as it is about her hunting down the crook and exacting justice (plus, watching her get tied up time and again, yet escape with the ease of a contortionist is a marvel to see).

Just as much fun as the Velda stories are the little one- and two-page stories of Hawskhaw the Hawk, the World's Greatest Bird Detective and Neolithica, Girl of the Pleistocene. These are cute little parodies with puns galore and will most certainly make the reader smile, if not chuckle.

Definitely worth the price and the read, I already have Volume 2 and have seen that Volume 3 is on its way!  It's almost a shame that these tales were not published back in the day, as I am sure they would have been a hit with all the fans of pulp detective fiction back then.

RATING:  10 three a.m. telephone calls out of 10 for remaining faithful to the comics of the '50s while keeping it entertaining for readers of today.